Stop Self-Sabotage by Judy Ho

In this insightful episode of *Mind Set in Stone Podcasts,* Dave and Poppy delve into *Stop Self-Sabotage* by Judy Ho, exploring the hidden patterns and beliefs that can hinder personal growth and success. 

They discuss Ho's practical strategies for recognising self-sabotaging behaviours, reframing negative thoughts, and building a healthier relationship with oneself. This episode is perfect for anyone seeking to break free from cycles of self-doubt and learn how to cultivate resilience and confidence. 

Join us for a compelling conversation that empowers you to overcome obstacles and take control of your life!

Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Mind Set in Stone Podcasts. If you enjoyed our deep dive, be sure to subscribe and leave us a review! Share your thoughts with us on social media, and let us know which book you’d like us to explore next. Until next time, keep your mind set in stone and your curiosity open.

This has been a Big L Riz Media Podcast—where big ideas meet lasting impressions.

Transcript

Welcome to Mind Set in Stone Podcasts, where we dive deep into the most compelling books on the shelf. Join hosts Dave and Poppy as they uncover the stories, themes, and ideas that shape our understanding and inspire curiosity. Get ready to explore the big ideas that leave a lasting impact.

Let's get started.

Hey everyone, ready to dive deep? Today, we're tackling self-sabotage.

Well, there's a topic we all know a little too well, am I right?

Sadly, yes. But the good news is, we're diving into Judy Ho's book, Stop Self-Sabotage, to try and stop self-sabotaging.

It's a fascinating read, really blends psychology and brain science in a way that makes sense.

Absolutely. One of the things that jumped out at me was how the book talks about dopamine, that happy chemical feeling like, whoa, doughnuts.

Right, those instant mood boosters. And the book digs into how our brains are wired to chase those dopamine rewards. It's pretty primal, actually.

It makes sense, right? Our ancestors who were busted finding food, shelter, they survived. But, and here's the thing, our brains don't always get that same dopamine rush from things that are actually good for us long term.

Exactly. It's like our wiring hasn't quite caught up to modern life. The book gives us an example.

Imagine a big presentation at work coming up.

Oh, I can feel the stress already just thinking about it. Right. There's that potential for things to go amazingly well, if you nail it.

But there's also the potential for, you know, complete public humiliation. And for some people, their brain latches on to that feeling of relief from just avoiding the whole thing entirely.

Choosing the comfort of familiarity, even if it's not really making us happy, like in the book, there's that example of Beth, right? She passes up a promotion.

Because she was so used to the discomfort of her current job.

Exactly. Even though it was terrible for her mental health, it was familiar.

Classic self-sabotage. And that's where I think this LIFE framework, the book talks about, is so useful.

Okay. I'm intrigued. Break it down for me.

So, LIFE stands for Low or Shaky Self-Concept, Internalized Beliefs, Fear of Change, or the Unknown.

Okay. I see where this is going. A lot to unpack there.

Right. And then lastly, Excessive Need for Control. And the book really dives into each of these, like giving you practical ways to figure out where you might be getting stuck.

So, it's kind of like a road map for understanding your own patterns. Makes you want to grab a notebook and start like jotting down your own LIFE areas, right?

Absolutely. And you know, for someone like you who's so driven by learning new things, always exploring new ideas, I'd be curious to hear how that fear of change part of LIFE shows up in your world.

Oh, that is a good one. I'm going to have to sit with that. Now, on top of this whole LIFE thing, the book also talks about these things called self-sabotage triggers.

Those specific situations that just seem to set you off every single time. Like, you can set a clock to it.

Oh, tell me you have a quiz for that.

Of course there's a quiz. It's all about self-awareness, right? Figure out what your triggers are, and then you can start to actually reprogram your response.

The reprogram. That sounds pretty intense. How do we go about doing that?

Well, that is where these things called implementation intentions come in, and this is a big part of the book. Essentially, you make a plan for how you'll react in those trigger situations before you're actually in the heat of the moment.

Oh, so you're not just winging it when the craving hits or whatever your trigger is.

Right. There's a great example in the book about this guy, Danny.

Oh, no. What did Danny do? We're invested in Danny now.

So, Danny, he'd have these great intentions to eat healthy every night.

Relatable.

But then he'd end up on the couch mindlessly snacking in front of the TV.

Danny, I feel you. Tell me he figured it out.

Oh, Danny totally figured out. It wasn't about willpower, though. The book talks about how he used these implementation intentions.

So, he realized being on the couch after dinner was his trigger, and he decided beforehand in that situation, he would grab a book instead, like immediately.

Instead of going for the snack cabinet.

Yeah. He basically replaced the old self-sabotaging action with a new positive one.

So, it's like rewiring your brain to respond differently in those moments, kind of taking the autopilot OFF.

Totally. And you know what I love about this book? It takes all of this a step further.

It brings in this whole idea of values, those core beliefs about what really matters to us.

So, it's not just breaking bad habits, it's aligning your actions with your values. I have to say, sometimes I struggle even figuring out what my core values are, let alone actually living by them.

That's so common though. A lot of people feel that way. The book actually has this cool exercise, this values card sort.

A card sort. Okay, now you're speaking my language, tell me more.

Yeah. So, it's like a deck of cards, and each card has a different value on it. Things like creativity, adventure, kindness, financial security, all kinds of stuff.

And you, what, rank them or something?

You got it. You literally sort them by how important they are to you. I've done it.

It's actually really eye-opening.

It sounds kind of fun too, like a more hands-on way to figure out what really resonates. So, once you have those core values, how does that actually play into breaking free from the self-sabotage cycle?

Well, think of your values like your own personal compass. They're there to guide you to help you make those tough decisions.

I can see that.

When you set goals, think about it. If those goals line up with your values, you're going to be more motivated. It's not just about avoiding discomfort or trying to impress other people.

It's about something bigger.

Yeah. Like if I deeply value creativity and I set a goal to write a novel, even when I'm feeling stuck, even when I don't feel inspired, I can come back to that core value. It's my why.

Exactly. It's not about that quick dopamine hit. It's more about building a life that feels truly meaningful.

It's what the book calls eudaemonic happiness versus hedonic happiness, which is more fleeting.

And let's be real, those fleeting pleasures, they fade so fast. There's that guy in the book, Toby. He really valued close friendships, but he always felt awkward in social situations.

I remember Toby.

So, he would just isolate himself, even though that went against what he really wanted.

Classic example of how sneaky self-sabotage can be. You can have the best intentions, you get these clear values, and still those patterns, those fears, they can take over.

Poor Toby. So how did he turn things around? Did he just like force himself to go to parties?

It wasn't about forcing anything really. The book talks about how important it is to just notice those self-sabotaging behaviors, the avoidance, the negative self-talk, and gently guide himself back to his values. Toby started small.

He started reaching out to a friend, joined a club that interested him.

Those little things.

It's about making those positive actions, however small, a part of your routine.

Love that. Building momentum, right? So, we've got our values, they're a guiding compass, we've got these implementation intentions.

They're kind of our backup plan, right? For those moments of weakness. But what about those negative thoughts that creep in, that little voice that tells you, you're not good enough, not smart enough?

Oh, you mean that inner critic we all know and love?

Oh, yes. How do we make it stop?

Funny you should ask, the book gets into this too. It explains how our brains are actually wired for negativity. Like it's an evolutionary leftover.

Back in the day, our ancestors had to constantly be on the lookout for danger.

So, we can blame it on evolution.

Hey, it's not entirely our fault. Our brains are trying to protect us, even if it's from like a work meeting instead of a saber-tooth tiger.

So true. So, what do we do with these negative thoughts? Just try to ignore them, bottle them up and hope they go away.

Not quite. The book has some really interesting techniques for dealing with them. One that I found really helpful is called labeling.

Labeling. Like I'm picturing a thought bubble and I'm just slapping a sticky note on it that says negative.

Hey, if that works for you, go for it.

Yeah.

But basically, it's about consciously recognizing a thought for what it is. Just a thought, not a fact.

Well, that's a good distinction.

So, you might say to yourself, okay, I'm having the thought that I'm not qualified for this new project.

Instead of I'm going to fail and everyone will know I'm a fraud.

Exactly. You're acknowledging it without letting it become this big scary thing.

You're creating that distance. I like it.

Right. The book also talks about examining the evidence for the thought. Is there actually any proof?

Maybe looking for alternative explanations.

So don't just accept it at face value, interrogate it a little.

Exactly. You're basically becoming more aware of your thoughts and choosing how you respond to them instead of just letting them run the show.

It's like taking back your power. Love that. This is good stuff.

Okay, deep divers, before we wrap up, we have to talk about willpower.

The holy grail of self-improvement.

Right. It's like this magical quality. Some people just seem to have V.

But the book had this fascinating take on it. It's not that some people just have more willpower. It's that willpower is like this muscle that gets tired.

Oh, I've heard that before. Like if you spend all day resisting donuts at work.

You're not going to have any willpower left by the time you get home and someone offers you pizza.

That's the one. And the book actually explains the science behind it too. It's really interesting.

So, our brains use glucose to fuel willpower. When we're mentally drained, when we're stressed, when we haven't eaten enough, our willpower reserves are depleted. They're just gone.

Okay. See now that makes so much sense. It explains so much about my decision making when I'm like tired or my blood sugar is low.

Totally. And just like any muscle, willpower is something you can build up over time.

Okay. So how do we do it? What are the willpower workouts?

If only it were that easy. But the book talks about getting enough sleep, managing stress, even practicing mindfulness.

So, it's about creating those right conditions for your brain to function at its best.

You got it. And it's not just about resisting temptation, it's also about actually taking those positive actions, even when it's hard.

Saying yes to the good stuff as much as you say no to the not so good stuff.

It's about being proactive, you know, being intentional, even in those moments where you'd rather just stay on the couch and scroll through your phone.

And the more we do it, the easier it gets.

Exactly. It becomes this positive feedback loop. All right, deep divers, before we get to our final thoughts here, we want to hear from you, what's standing out so far, what's resonating.

You know, this whole willpower thing, it made me think of another thing from the book. It's called motivating operations.

Oh, yeah. It sounds kind of jargony, but it's important.

Right. At first, I was like, what in the world is that? But it's basically about how, like what's going on around us, it can make certain things seem more or less tempting.

Think about if you're totally starving, a slice of pizza is going to be way more appealing than if you just ate a huge meal.

Oh, 100 percent. Context is key.

It's not just about your willpower being strong or weak. It's also those things outside of you that can make you more vulnerable to giving in.

So, part of this is about knowing your weaknesses, right? Like if I know I can't resist cookies when I'm stressed, maybe I just need to stop buying them.

Exactly. Set yourself up for success. If you know you're more likely to skip the gym when you're tired, maybe you schedule your workouts for the morning when you're still full of energy.

It's like having a plan for when your willpower is running low.

Speaking of that, the book talks a lot about self-compassion. It's really important.

We're all human. We're going to mess up sometime.

It's not about being perfect. It's about making progress. Honestly, beating yourself up, it actually makes it more likely you'll just keep self-sabotaging.

It's that shame spiral like, well, I eat the cookie, you might as well eat the whole box now.

Right. It's a vicious cycle, so be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself like you'd talk to a friend who's struggling.

Yeah.

You wouldn't be so harsh, right?

This has been eye-opening. We covered so much. Dopamine, how our brains are wired, that LIFE thing, values, implementation intentions.

Managing those negative thoughts. Don't forget that.

It's really about approaching this from all angles.

Absolutely. It's not a quick fix. It's about changing how you think and act over time.

And maybe the biggest takeaway here is that self-sabotage, it's not forever.

You can break free.

So powerful. As you're reading the book, I want you to think about one area in your life where you might be holding yourself back.

What's one small thing, it can be tiny, that you can do today to shift that pattern.

Even those small actions, when they're aligned with your values and you keep doing them, they create huge changes over time.

One thing that really stuck with me was just how much the book focuses on the psychology of it all. But it also made me really curious to learn more about the neuroscience too.

Oh yeah, like, how do our brains actually form habits? What's going on in there, when we self-sabotage?

So, if you're interested in the old brain science angle, I definitely recommend looking into that.

Good stuff. Always more to learn. Happy diving, everybody.

We hope you're leaving with fresh insights and a spark of inspiration. Remember to subscribe, leave a review, and check back for more episodes as we dive into new worlds of thought, one book at a time. Until then, keep your mind set in stone and your curiosity open.

This has been a Big L Riz Media Podcast, where big ideas meet lasting impressions.