Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray

In this episode of Mind Set in Stone Podcast, Dave and Poppy delve into John Gray's groundbreaking work, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. This timeless classic explores the fundamental differences between men and women in communication, emotional needs, and relationships. Discover practical strategies to bridge the gap between genders and foster stronger connections in your personal and professional life.

Whether you're looking to strengthen your relationships or gain insight into the opposite gender, this episode offers valuable tools and actionable advice to help you navigate the complexities of human connection.

Tune in to learn how understanding these differences can lead to harmony and deeper intimacy.

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This has been a Big L Riz Media Podcast—where big ideas meet lasting impressions.

Transcript

Welcome to Mind Set in Stone Podcasts, where we dive deep into the most compelling books on the shelf. Join hosts Dave and Poppy as they uncover the stories, themes, and ideas that shape our understanding and inspire curiosity. Get ready to explore the big ideas that leave a lasting impact.

Let's get started.

Hey everyone and welcome to another deep dive. Today, we're diving into the world of relationships.

How relationships?

You know that age-old dance between men and women?

It's an ultimate mystery.

Well, maybe not a total mystery, but we do have a guide to help us navigate this way.

Oh yeah. And who might that be?

We're turning to John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

A classic. You know that book that everyone and their therapist seem to be glued to?

Right. Back in the day at least.

Yeah.

But it's still so relevant today.

You know, it's funny because even though it came out decades ago, it still resonates. Totally. Because at its core, it taps into something so fundamental about relationships.

Which is? That men and women often approach relationships with totally different playbooks.

It's true. It's like we're speaking different languages, right?

100 percent.

I feel like Gray's book is that universal translator we all desperately need.

Like that little pocket dictionary, you take on vacation.

Exactly. He doesn't just scratch the surface, he dives deep into how those differences play out. In communication, emotional needs, even how we handle stress.

It's pretty eye-opening stuff.

For sure. And it's not just theoretical either.

Right. Gray backs up his ideas with years of research and countless real-life examples from his work as a therapist.

It makes you realize he's seen it all.

He's heard it all.

And worked through it all.

Exactly. And through that, he saw firsthand how understanding these inherent differences could be the key to unlocking a whole new level of connection between couples.

It's like that aha moment when you realize, oh, that's why we keep having the same argument.

So true.

And speaking of arguments, one of the classic examples Gray uses is the Mr. Fix-It syndrome.

Oh yes, Mr. Fix-It.

You know, when a woman's venting about her day and the guy just jumps straight into problem-solving mode.

It's a tale as old as time.

It really is. So why do you think that happens? Why do men and women seem to approach support so differently?

Well, I think Gray argues that this difference in communication styles often stems from a fundamental difference in how men and women seek support.

Okay, I'm listening.

It's not that men don't care, they just express it differently.

I can see that.

Think about it. Men are often conditioned to be problem-solvers.

Makes sense.

So, when a woman shares her feelings, a man's instinct is to offer solutions.

It's like his brain goes into fix-it mode.

Exactly. While on the other hand, women are often seeking empathy and validation.

Not necessarily a fix.

Exactly.

It's like he's handing her a wrench when what she really needs is a hug.

100%. And that's where the conflict arises.

Because he feels like his help is being rejected.

Yeah. And she feels unheard and dismissed.

It's a recipe for disaster.

And so, what does Gray suggest?

What's the solution here?

Well, he suggests that men can bridge this gap by practicing empathetic listening.

Okay. I like it. Tell me more.

Acknowledging her feelings, validating her experience, and just showing that they understand.

It's about shifting from fix-it mode to feel-it mode.

Okay.

So, we've talked about communication styles, but Gray also dives into how differently men and women handle stress in general.

Right. Absolutely. He uses that classic metaphor of men go to their caves and women talk.

So true.

And it's not just about men wanting to be alone in their man caves.

Right. It's deeper than that.

It's about understanding that men often process stress internally.

They need time to think it through.

Right. And reflect and kind of come up with solutions in their own heads before they're ready to talk about it.

So, it's not that they don't want to talk about it. They just need some time to process first.

Exactly. And women, on the other hand, they process externally.

Hawking things through.

Right. Processing their emotions externally.

And when those two coping mechanisms clash, oh boy, watch out. It can create a lot of friction, right?

Totally. He thinks she's not giving him space and she thinks he doesn't care.

It's a classic case of misunderstanding. But if both partners understand these innate differences, they can navigate those stressful situations with more empathy and less conflict.

For sure.

So instead of taking it personally when he retreats to his cave, maybe the key is for women to create that space for him to recharge, knowing that he'll eventually emerge ready to connect.

It's about giving him that time.

For men, maybe it's about communicating to their partners that they need that time alone, not because they don't care, but because it's how they de-stress and come back stronger.

Communication is key.

Always. Speaking of differences, Gray also delves into how men and women are motivated differently in relationships, which I think is super interesting.

Oh, yeah. Tell me more about that.

Gray says men are driven by feeling needed, while women are motivated by feeling cherished. Hmm.

I've never thought about it like that before.

It's interesting, right? And Gray really breaks it down in a way that makes so much sense.

From all ears.

Well, he says that this difference in motivation can create a lot of misunderstandings if it's not addressed.

Like what kinds of misunderstandings?

Well, for example, men, when they don't feel needed, may start to feel unappreciated or like they're not contributing enough.

Okay, I can see that.

They might even withdraw emotionally or physically.

It's like their sense of worth is tied to their ability to be the provider, the protector, the one she relies on.

Exactly. And for women, when they don't feel cherished, they might start to feel unloved, unimportant, or taken for granted.

It's about more than just the practical stuff, right?

Right. It's more about those gestures of affection, those expressions of love and appreciation that make them feel valued and adored.

It's about feeling seen, heard, and appreciated for who they are and not just what they do.

Exactly. And I think that's something we can all relate to regardless of gender.

For sure.

And Gray suggests that understanding this fundamental difference in motivation is key to creating a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.

So how do we put that into practice?

Well, he emphasizes the importance of expressing appreciation for our partners, of acknowledging their efforts and of making them feel valued for who they are and what they bring to the relationship.

That makes a lot of sense.

Right. And he even introduces this fascinating concept of love bank accounts, suggesting that we need to make regular deposits of love and appreciation to keep the relationship thriving.

I like that. So, it's like that old saying, you get what you give. If we want to feel loved and appreciated, we need to be willing to give love and appreciation freely and generously.

Exactly. And not just on special occasions either. Right.

Like Valentine's Day or birthdays.

Exactly. Gray emphasizes the importance of those everyday gestures of love, those small acts of kindness and consideration that add up over time.

Just the little things.

It really is. And it's not about keeping score or expecting something in return.

No, it shouldn't feel transactional.

Right. It's about creating a positive feedback loop of love and appreciation, where both partners feel valued and cherished.

I love that. Creating a positive feedback loop.

So, we've talked about those everyday gestures of love, but what about those times when we need to communicate our needs more directly?

Because let's be honest, sometimes those subtle hints just don't cut it.

They really don't. But Gray has some really interesting insights on that too, particularly when it comes to women asking for what they want in relationships.

I'm intrigued. Tell me more.

Well, this is where his concept of assertive asking comes into play.

Assertive asking, okay.

So traditionally, women have been socialized to be more indirect in their communication, especially when it comes to asking for support or expressing their needs.

So, it's like we're taught to hint or drop subtle clues, hoping our partner will magically decipher our desires.

Exactly. But as Gray points out, men are from Mars, they often miss those subtle cues, and women end up feeling resentful and unheard.

It's like they're speaking two different languages.

They really are. And this is where assertive asking comes in.

Okay. I'm all ears. How do we do that?

It's about learning to communicate our needs directly, clearly, and without apology.

So basically, just say what you need.

Exactly.

Easier said than done though, right?

It can be. It's about owning our worth and believing that our needs are valid and deserve to be met. It's about shifting from a place of, I don't want to bother you, to I deserve to have my needs met.

That's a powerful shift.

It really is. And Gray emphasizes that this doesn't mean becoming demanding or aggressive.

Right. There's a difference.

Assertive asking is about finding that sweet spot between passivity and aggression, where we communicate our needs confidently and respectfully without guilt or expectation.

So how do we find that sweet spot? What's the secret sauce?

Well, Gray actually provides a simple yet powerful linguistic tool to help women master this skill.

OK, spill the tea. What's the magic phrase?

You ready for this?

Hit me with it.

Remember that simple phrase, would you?

Would you? OK, I'm listening. How can two little words make such a big difference?

Well, Gray argues that using would you instead of could you, when making requests, creates a subtle but powerful shift in the dynamic.

Interesting.

Because it's no longer about ability, it's about willingness.

Oh, I see what you mean.

It's like framing the request as an opportunity for him to show up for you, to be their supportive partner you need.

And it gives him the space to say no, right?

Exactly. It gives him the space to decline without feeling like he's letting you down.

So, it's about creating a dialogue, an opportunity for open and honest communication about what both partners are willing and able to give.

Precisely. And it's amazing how those two little words can completely change the tone of a request.

So much less demanding.

Right. It becomes less demanding, less guilt trippy and more empowering for both partners.

I love that.

Me too. He feels trusted and respected and she feels heard and valued.

Win-win.

Exactly. It's a win-win for everyone involved.

So, we've talked about how men and women often approach stress differently, how our motivations and relationships might diverge, and how we might express our emotions in unique ways.

And we've just scratched the surface of what Gray covers in his book.

There's so much more to uncover.

There really is. And in our next segment, we'll dive into even more juicy insights from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

Like what? It was a little sneak peek.

We'll explore those inevitable ebbs and flows of love, how to navigate conflict constructively, and even how to keep the spark alive amidst the chaos of everyday life.

Oh, I can't wait. This is going to be good.

So, stay tuned, folks. We'll be right back after a quick break.

So, you're in a relationship, right? Maybe you're even in that spring phase.

Ooh, spring.

Full of excitement, new love, butterflies, the whole nine yards.

A honeymoon phase.

Exactly. But then, as with all seasons, things start to shift.

They always do.

Maybe it's a subtle change in to summer.

Still good, but different, right?

Right. The initial excitement might have simmered down a bit. You're more into the groove of things, but it's not all sunshine and roses anymore.

And how do you handle that transition? What does Gray say about navigating those different phases?

Well, he uses this great analogy of tending a garden.

Oh, I love garden analogies. Tell me more.

So, he says you don't freak out if autumn comes, right?

Right. You don't rip out all the plants just because summer is over.

Exactly. Each season has its own beauty, its own purpose.

So instead of resisting the change, you adjust your care for what that season needs.

Precisely. You might need to prune back some branches, add some fertilizer, or just let things lie dormant for a while.

It's about adapting to the natural rhythm of the relationship.

Exactly. And recognizing that just like in nature, relationships have their own seasons of growth, bloom, harvest and dormancy.

I love that analogy. It makes those inevitable shifts in a relationship feel less scary and more like a natural part of the process.

Exactly. It's not a sign that something's wrong, it's just a sign that things are changing.

Which is really the only constant in life, isn't it?

Yeah.

But I have to admit, those quieter seasons, those autumn or even winter phases, can be confusing.

They can be. What's tricky is figuring out what they mean.

Exactly. How do you know if it's just a natural ebb and flow or a sign that something's really wrong?

That's such a great question, and it's something I think a lot of couples grapple with.

For sure. It's easy to spiral into those, is this it? Is this the beginning of the end?

It really is. But Gray argues that one of the keys to navigating these seasons successfully is communication.

Communication is key. We hear that all the time. But what does it really look like in the context of a relationship?

Well, in this case, it's not just about talking about your day or making small talk. Right.

It's deeper than that.

It's about understanding and speaking each other's love languages.

Oh, love languages. That's a whole other deep dive.

It really is. But Gray breaks down six primary love needs that both men and women have.

So, it's not just about romantic love, it's about how we experience and express love in all areas of our lives.

Precisely. And while we all share these needs to some extent, the way they manifest and how we fulfill them can differ greatly between genders.

Which makes sense, right? Because we're coming from those different planets, Mars and Venus.

Exactly. It's like we're trying to express our love and affection in a way that makes sense to us, but it might not translate for our partner at all.

It's like speaking different languages. But instead of words, it's gifts, access service, quality time, all those ways we show love.

That's a great way to put it. So, for men, Gray suggests those six primary love needs are trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement.

Okay, so men need to feel trusted, accepted for who they are, appreciated for their efforts. Even if those efforts don't always result in a perfectly mowed lawn or a flawlessly assembled bookshelf.

You got it.

It's about creating a space where he feels safe to be himself, to make mistakes and to know that he's valued and respected even when he's not Mr. Perfect.

Exactly. Now, women, according to Gray, have those same basic needs, but their primary ones tend to be caring, understanding, respect, diversion, validation and reassurance.

So, women want to feel cared for both emotionally and practically.

Yes.

And it's not enough to just listen. We need to feel truly understood. Like, our partner can empathize with our experiences even if they haven't walked in our shoes.

Exactly.

And respect is huge. Respect for our thoughts, feelings and needs.

Huge. And let's not forget devotion, feeling like we're cherished, prioritized, put first.

It's about feeling seen, heard and appreciated for who we are, not just what we do or how we look.

You nailed it. And here's where things get really interesting. Gray argues that conflicts often arise when we try to love our partners in the way we need to be loved, rather than in the way they need to be loved.

Oh, that makes so much sense. It's like we're so focused on our own needs and our own love language that we forget to consider our partners.

Exactly. It's like speaking different love languages.

We might be showering our partner with gifts and acts of service because that's what makes us feel loved. But if their primary love language is words of affirmation or quality time, those grand gestures might fall flat.

It's like trying to pay for a pizza with monopoly money.

I love that analogy. It might look valuable to you, but it's not going to get you a slice in the real world.

Exactly. And it's why understanding those different love languages is so crucial. It's not about changing who we are or pretending to have the same needs as our partner.

Right. It's about recognizing that we might express and receive love in different ways, and that's okay.

The key is to learn how to speak each other's languages fluently.

It's about being mindful and intentional in the way we love, recognizing that what might seem like a small gesture to us could mean the world to our partner if it speaks their love language.

And that's where that whole Mars-Venus thing comes into play.

Right. Because men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and we might as well be speaking different languages when it comes to love and relationships.

Exactly. So, we've talked about the seasons of love and how those shifts in connection are totally normal.

But you know, Gray also talks about how men and women often experience those seasons differently, and that can lead to some major misunderstandings.

Oh, absolutely. Different planets, different experiences.

Right. And he uses this really evocative metaphor, women are like waves.

The wave metaphor.

So, what's that all about? What's Gray getting at with this one?

Well, he's illustrating the cyclical nature of women's emotions and how they can ebb and flow like the tide.

Okay, I can see where this is going.

Just think about a wave, it builds gradually, crests, and then recedes.

And sometimes those waves come crashing down.

They do. And just like that, women often experience a natural ebb and flow in their moods, energy levels, and even their sense of self.

It's so true. It's like some days we're riding high on this wave of confidence and energy, and other days we're down in the emotional trenches feeling all the feels.

And there's no telling when those waves will rise or fall.

Exactly. And those emotional dips can be confusing for our partners, especially if they don't understand that it's a natural part of our experience.

Absolutely. And this is where that Mars-Venus clash often comes into play.

Because men, with their more linear way of processing emotions, might see a woman's emotional wave crashing down and think, oh no, something's wrong. I need to fix it.

It's that classic Mr. Fix-It instinct kicking in again.

Right. But what Gray points out is that often the best thing a man can do in those moments is not to try to fix it, but to just be present, to ride out the wave with her.

It's about offering support, not solutions.

Exactly. It's about creating a safe space for her to express her emotions without judgment, offering comfort and reassurance and understanding that these emotional dips are temporary.

It's like that old saying, don't just stand there, hold her hair back.

But it also makes a really important point.

It really does.

It's about showing up for her in a way that feels supportive and loving, even if we don't fully understand what she's going through.

Exactly. It's about being there for the ride, waves and all.

So how do we, as women, communicate what we need during those wave moments? Because let's be honest, sometimes we're not even sure ourselves what we need, let alone how to articulate it to our partner.

You're so right. It can be tough to put those feelings into words, especially when we're in the throes of an emotional wave.

It's like trying to explain the ocean to someone who's never seen it before.

Exactly. But that's where clear, open communication becomes so crucial. And again, Gray emphasizes the importance of assertive asking.

Okay, so instead of expecting our partner to read our minds, which, let's be honest, rarely ends well.

And can lead to so much unnecessary drama.

Right. Instead of all that, we can learn to express our needs directly, even if it's just saying, I need a hug or I just need you to listen without trying to fix it.

Sometimes the simplest words can be the most powerful.

Absolutely. So, we've talked about how men and women often approach stress differently, how our motivations in relationships might diverge, and how we might experience and express our emotions in unique ways.

We've covered a lot of ground.

We have. But there's one more key dynamic that Gray dells into that I think is particularly interesting. And it has to do with how men and women keep score in relationships.

Oh, scorekeeping. That's a dangerous game.

It can be. And no, I'm not talking about who took out the trash last or who planned the last date night.

Okay, good. Because that kind of scorekeeping can really poison a relationship.

Exactly. But it is about how we perceive and value the contributions we make to the relationship.

And how we perceive and value the contributions our partner makes.

Precisely. And Gray argues that men and women often have different ways of keeping score. And this can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and resentment if it's not addressed.

Oh, I can see how that would happen.

He uses this really funny anecdote about realizing he'd been taking his wife to the movies every week for two years, thinking she was equally thrilled, while she secretly yearned for a bit more variety and adventure.

Oh no. Poor guy. He thought he was racking up those brownie points.

He really did. And I bet a lot of couples can relate to that dynamic.

For sure. It's like we're speaking different love languages again.

It's true. It's like men are playing a game of Home Run Derby, focusing on the big grand gestures, while women are more tuned to the base hits, those smaller everyday acts of love and consideration.

That's a perfect analogy. It's not that women don't appreciate the grand gestures. It's just that those smaller gestures, those everyday acts of love and appreciation, mean just as much, if not more.

Exactly. And it's why understanding this difference in scorekeeping is so crucial. It's not about one approach being right or wrong.

It's about recognizing that we might have different ways of valuing contributions and expressing love.

So how do we bridge that gap? How do we make sure both partners feel valued and appreciated?

Well, I think it's about finding a balance that works for both partners.

Easier said than done, right?

It can be. But it starts with communication.

Always back to communication.

Right. Because men can benefit from becoming more attuned to those everyday acts of love and appreciation, those small gestures that speak volumes to a woman's heart.

And women can express their appreciation for those grand gestures, while also communicating their need for consistent love and attention throughout the week, not just on Valentine's Day or her birthday.

Precisely. It's about finding that sweet spot where both partners feel seen, heard, and appreciated for the unique ways they contribute to the relationship.

And remembering that love is not a competition, it's a partnership.

Beautifully said. Okay. So, we've uncovered a treasure trove of insights from John Gray's, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

It's been quite the journey through the Mars-Venus landscape.

It really has. But as with any good exploration, the real adventure begins when we bring those discoveries back home.

When we take those maps and compasses and actually navigate our own relationships.

Exactly. So, let's shift gears a bit and talk about how we can actually apply all this juicy wisdom to our own love lives.

Because knowledge without action is like a book left unread.

It's true. So how do we bridge that gap? How do we go from understanding these concepts to actually living them out in our relationships?

Well, one of the things Gray emphasizes is that change doesn't happen overnight.

Tell me about it. But real change, lasting change, takes time, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable with ourselves and our partners.

And probably a healthy dose of patience too, because let's be real, unlearning old habits and communication patterns can be tough.

It can feel like you're swimming upstream sometimes.

Yeah.

So Gray is saying, don't get discouraged if you don't see results immediately.

Exactly. It's a process, not a quick fix.

So, patience is key. But where do we even begin? There's so much to unpack here.

Right. Gray's got a whole toolbox of techniques and strategies.

So how do we know which ones to use when?

Well, he actually offers some really practical advice for making those changes stick.

Okay. I'm all ears.

One of his key suggestions is to start small.

Don't try to overhaul the entire relationship in one fell swoop.

Exactly. Choose one or two areas where you'd like to see improvement. Maybe it's practicing more empathetic listening or being more assertive in expressing your needs.

For me, it's just remembering to put the toilet seat down or complimenting your partner's new haircut.

Exactly. It's about focusing on those small everyday gestures that can make a big difference over time.

It's like building a muscle, right? We don't start by bench pressing 200 pounds.

You start with the small weights. You build up gradually.

Exactly. We gradually increase the weight as we get stronger.

And the same goes for relationships. We build strength and resilience through those small, consistent efforts.

So, start small, be consistent, be patient. Got it.

Yeah.

But what about those bigger issues that inevitably pop up in any relationship? You know, those make it or break it moments.

Ah, those curve balls life throws their way.

Exactly. How does Gray suggest navigating those choppy waters?

Well, he's a big proponent of open and honest communication, of course.

Communication is key, right?

Always. But he goes beyond just talking about your feelings.

How so?

He provides concrete tools and strategies for having those tough conversations in a way that's constructive, not destructive.

So, it's not just about venting or letting it all out.

Right. It's about expressing yourself in a way that invites understanding and resolution.

Which can be tough when you're in the heat of the moment.

For sure. That's why he offers those practical tools like that love letter technique we talked about earlier.

Oh, yes. The love letters. That seems like a game changer for those emotionally charged conversations.

It really can be. And he also talks about the importance of setting boundaries, of learning to say no without feeling guilty, and of respecting each other's need for space.

Because even in the closest relationships, even when you feel like you're two peas in a pod, we still need to honor our individuality.

Exactly. And sometimes that means taking some time for ourselves, whether it's reading a book, going for a walk, or just having a quiet night in.

It's about recognizing that self-care isn't selfish. It's essential for a healthy relationship.

Couldn't agree more. When we prioritize our own well-being, we're better equipped to show up for our partners in a more loving and supportive way.

So, to recap, communicate openly, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize self-care. Those are some seriously valuable nuggets of wisdom.

Gold nuggets for sure.

But what about keeping the spark alive? Because let's be honest, routines, responsibilities, life in general can sometimes dampen the romance.

It's true, those everyday demands can take a toll. But Gray reminds us that even in the midst of those routines, it's important to make time for fun, for connection, and for intimacy.

Date nights aren't just for teenagers.

Exactly. Whether it's a weekly dinner date, a weekend getaway, or just cuddling up on the couch for a movie night, it's essential to carve out dedicated time for each other.

And to be present during that time, put those phones away, silence those notifications, and truly connect with each other.

Because in the end, that's what it's all about, isn't it? Connection.

It's the foundation of any strong, loving, and lasting relationship.

And it's something we have to actively nurture, especially in today's fast-paced world.

So, as we wrap up this deep dive into Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, what's the one thing you hope our listeners take away from this conversation?

You know, I think the most important takeaway from Gray's work is the reminder that love is a verb.

It's not just a feeling.

It's an action. It's a conscious choice we make every day to show up for our partners to communicate our needs and feelings and to nurture the connection, even when it's challenging.

So, it's about recognizing that relationships take work, but it's the most rewarding work we'll ever do.

Exactly. And when we approach our relationships with that mindset, with a willingness to learn, to grow and to put in the effort, the rewards can be truly extraordinary.

It's about embracing the journey, bumps in the road and all.

Absolutely. And remembering that even though Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus, we can still find common ground, bridge that communication gap, and create a love that's out of this world.

That's a beautiful thought to end on. So, to our listeners, we hope this deep dive into John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus has sparked some new insights and inspired you to create even more loving and fulfilling relationships.

Remember, even though we might hail from different planets, we can still find common ground, bridge the communication gap, and create relationships that are both fulfilling and fun.

And on that note, we'll say goodbye for now. Thanks for joining us on this deep dive into the fascinating world of relationships. And until next time, keep exploring, keep connecting, and keep the love alive.

We hope you're leaving with fresh insights and a spark of inspiration. Remember to subscribe, leave a review, and check back for more episodes as we dive into new worlds of thought, one book at a time. Until then, keep your mind set in stone and your curiosity open.

This has been a Big L Riz Media Podcast, where big ideas meet lasting impressions.