How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

In this enlightening episode, Dave and Poppy explore Dale Carnegie's timeless classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. Discover practical strategies to master the art of communication, build meaningful relationships, and influence others positively. 

From the power of active listening to handling criticism with grace, this episode offers actionable insights for personal and professional growth.

Tune in to learn how Carnegie’s principles can transform your interactions and help you connect authentically in every aspect of life. Don't miss this engaging discussion that brings these timeless lessons into a modern context!

Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Mind Set in Stone Podcasts. If you enjoyed our deep dive, be sure to subscribe and leave us a review! Share your thoughts with us on social media, and let us know which book you’d like us to explore next. Until next time, keep your mind set in stone and your curiosity open.

This has been a Big L Riz Media Podcast—where big ideas meet lasting impressions.

Transcript

Welcome to Mind Set in Stone Podcasts, where we dive deep into the most compelling books on the shelf. Join hosts Dave and Poppy as they uncover the stories, themes, and ideas that shape our understanding and inspire curiosity. Get ready to explore the big ideas that leave a lasting impact.

Let's get started.

All right, ready to dive in. Today, we're tackling How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.

Ooh, a classic.

Seriously, it's iconic. Definitely. This book published back in 1937, small first print run, and it just blew up, became a best seller.

Huge.

Over 10 million copies sold, translated into 36 languages.

Wow, that's a lot of people reading Carnegie.

Isn't it? Get this, Carnegie himself wished this book existed like 20 years earlier.

Really? Yeah. Even he wished he had this knowledge sooner.

You got it. So, what was going on that made him realize how much people needed this guidance?

Well, you know, Carnegie, he was already this well-known public speaking coach, but he started noticing something about his students, these adults, all different backgrounds. They seem to struggle more with everyday interactions than, you know, with formal presentations.

But it wasn't just captivating a crowd on stage. It was about navigating all those tricky, like, relationships.

Exactly. Like, people were craving a roadmap for connecting, genuinely connecting with others.

Yeah, that makes sense.

And to prove his point, he pointed to this big survey done by the University of Chicago and the United YMCA schools. Big project, two years, $25,000 to figure out what adults really wanted to learn about.

I'm guessing health was up there.

You got it. Top of the list. But here's the fascinating part.

The second biggest interest was understanding and getting along with people.

Wow. So, it's like we all want to connect, but no one was teaching us how. So, let's talk about what made How to Win Friends and Influence People so groundbreaking.

All right. So, one of Carnegie's most potent principles is don't criticize, condemn, or complain.

It's so true though, right? When someone criticizes us, we get defensive.

Automatically. But Carnegie, he believed that instead of condemning, try to understand. And he used Al Capone, Two Gun Crowley, even notorious criminals to illustrate his point.

Wait, even criminals? I wouldn't exactly picture them as big on self-improvement.

Right. But even those who've gone against society, they have these deep-seated reasons for their actions.

So, are we supposed to just let things slide? Never give constructive feedback?

Not exactly. It's about choosing your battles and being mindful of how you deliver criticism.

Okay.

Try to understand their perspective, their motivations. Choose empathy, not judgment.

So, it's about understanding the why behind the behavior rather than just condemning it.

Yes. He even shared a story about losing his temper with General Meade during the Civil War. Later, he realized his criticism was unproductive.

So even Carnegie, the master of human relations, he had to learn this the hard way.

We all do.

Okay. This next principle, I really like this one. Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Such a simple idea, yet so powerful.

Right. It's easy to take people for granted, but genuine appreciation, it can change everything.

It really can. He uses John D. Rockefeller as an example, a tough businessman, but he believed in the power of appreciation.

Wow, Rockefeller. I wouldn't have picked him as the warm and fuzzy type.

Right. But he knew it was key to motivating his people, even when they messed up.

So, it's not just about praising big achievements, but also those smaller efforts.

Exactly. It's about noticing the everyday acts of kindness, the effort, the talent, and acknowledging it authentically.

Like that story about Stevie Morris, the blind boy with incredible hearing.

That's the one, the teacher who recognized his talent just by asking him to help find a lost mouse.

And that simple act of appreciation changed his whole life.

It did. It shows the power of recognizing and appreciating what makes each person unique.

It makes you wonder how much talent is out there, just waiting to be noticed and appreciated.

Absolutely.

Okay, this next one is interesting. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Hmm. That one sounds a bit, I don't know, tricky.

Right. Like manipulative, but I have a feeling there's more to it.

You're right. It's not about tricking people. It's about understanding their motivations.

Okay.

Framing your requests in a way that aligns with their needs, like the story of the stubborn calf that refused to leave the pasture.

Oh, right. Emerson, the writer, couldn't move that calf.

And it was a housemaid who figured it out. She appealed to its desire to suckle, gently led it to the barn.

So clever. By understanding the calf's needs, she got what she wanted effortlessly.

Exactly. That's the key. Figure out what the other person desires and present your ideas in a way that resonates with them.

Think that salesman who finally landed a huge client after years of trying, he connected with the client over their shared love of rare books.

Perfect example. Understanding their perspective leads to unexpected solutions.

I'm starting to see the brilliance of Carnegie's approach here.

Me too.

It's all about putting yourself in the other person's shoes.

Exactly. It's about shifting the focus from ourselves to the people around us.

Okay. This next one is so important, especially these days. Become genuinely interested in other people.

In our fast-paced world, it's easy to get caught up in our own lives.

I know, right? But Carnegie believed that genuine interest, it goes beyond just being polite.

It's about real curiosity. After all, everyone has a unique story.

Like when Carnegie was seated next to this famous botanist at a dinner party, he just listened attentively as the botanist talked about plants.

And the botanist later described Carnegie as a captivating conversationalist.

All because he chose to listen and learn, not dominate the conversation.

Powerful, isn't it?

It really is. So being a good conversationalist isn't about being witty, it's about genuinely engaging.

I think you got it.

And speaking of simple yet powerful, let's talk about the principle that I always struggle with. Remember that a person's name is to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Names can be tricky.

I'm terrible with names. They just, I don't know, vanish from my brain.

We've all been there.

But Carnegie, he emphasized that remembering someone's name, it's a sign of respect.

It shows you value them.

Like Jim Farley, he could remember the names of 50,000 people.

50,000? That's incredible.

I know, right? He said that was a big part of his success in politics.

It makes sense. When someone remembers your name, it makes you feel seen.

Like you matter.

Exactly. It turns a fleeting interaction into something personal.

Carnegie even shared a story about this businessman who was so touched when someone finally called him by his correct name after years of being called by a nickname.

It's amazing how much that simple act of respect can mean to people.

So, it's worth the effort even if it's tough. It is. This next one seems like a natural extension of that.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Because you can't remember their name or connect with them if you're not really listening.

Exactly. Carnegie believed that good listening, it's active, it's not just being quiet.

Right. It's paying attention, observing, asking thoughtful questions to show you're engaged.

He told this story about the New York Telephone Company. They had this customer, notorious for his angry outbursts.

Oh, I think I've heard this one.

And instead of arguing, they found that just listening patiently to his complaints, it calmed him down. Carnegie argued that encouraging others to talk about themselves, it makes them feel important.

It builds rapport.

Imagine how much richer our interactions would be if we focused on listening, not just trying to impress.

It's a shift in perspective that we could all benefit from.

Okay. This next principle is so relevant today. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

In a world that can feel so self-absorbed, this is refreshing.

Right. It's about understanding their passions, values, finding common ground.

Building genuine connections. Like the salesman who finally landed that big client after four years, he stopped focusing on his product and started talking about rare books, the client's passion.

It worked. By tapping into the client's interests, he built a real connection, and that led to the sale.

It's about speaking their language.

And Carnegie himself used this. He got speaking engagements from William Jennings Bryan, even Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Wow. Big names. How did he do that?

He didn't beg them. He framed the invitation in a way that appealed to their interests.

So smart.

He understood what motivated them and used that knowledge.

It's amazing what we can achieve when we stop focusing on our own agenda and consider the needs of others.

It really is.

It's a shift in mindset that can be incredibly rewarding.

And it all ties back to those core principles, empathy, understanding, sincere appreciation.

You got it. They all work together to create a foundation for strong, meaningful relationships.

Okay, this next principle is one I think we can all relate to. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

It's a basic human need, isn't it? Feel valued.

Totally. And Carnegie, he said, it's not about flattery. It's about recognizing their inherent worth.

Authentic appreciation.

Right? He shared this story about a bank teller who got a thank you letter from a customer. The customer went out of her way to thank her for her kindness during a tough time.

Small gestures can have a big impact.

Exactly. Carnegie said, it doesn't have to be grand gestures. It's the little things.

A sincere compliment, remembering their name, just listening attentively.

Those little acts of kindness, they can really brighten someone's day.

It makes you think about how we can incorporate these principles into our daily interactions.

They're subtle shifts, but they can make a world of difference.

Okay, before we move on, let's recap the key takeaways from this first group.

All right. So, we talked about avoiding unnecessary criticism, understanding that everyone, even criminals, has a need for self-justification.

Right.

We talked about genuine appreciation, not just for big wins, but for the everyday efforts.

And understanding the other person's needs, framing our requests in a way that resonates with them.

And, of course, becoming genuinely interested in others, remembering their names, making them feel valued.

It's remarkable how each principle builds on the others, creating this framework for authentic interaction.

It's like threads woven together, creating a tapestry of connection.

I love that analogy. It's not about some complicated formula. It's about embracing these simple yet profound principles.

And anyone can apply them. It's a matter of choosing to prioritize those human connections that bring meaning and joy to our lives.

Okay, I'm ready to see what other insights Carnegie has in store for us.

Let's dive into the next section and explore how we can win people to our way of thinking without causing offense or resentment. So, ready to dive into the art of persuasion? In this section, Carnegie tackles the question of how to win people to our way of thinking, but without, you know, resorting to manipulation or coercion.

That's a tricky one, especially these days. Everyone's got such strong opinions.

It's like a constant battle of viewpoints.

Right, and it's so tempting to jump in, defend our own beliefs.

But Carnegie, he takes a different approach. He says the only way to really win an argument is to avoid it all together.

Hmm, that's interesting. Seems counterintuitive, especially now, when everyone's all about debate and confrontation.

It does go against the grain, but his point is, arguing, it almost always ends badly. Even if you win the argument, you might damage the relationship.

So, it's a hollow victory.

Exactly. Remember that story he told about the dinner party where someone misquoted Shakespeare?

Yeah, I think so.

His friend, instead of correcting them, just let it slide.

Choosing harmony over ego.

Exactly. But I guess, doesn't that make you a pushover if you never stand up for what you believe?

That's a good point.

It's about finding that balance, asserting your viewpoint, but also respecting theirs. Carnegie says, never tell someone, flat out, you're wrong.

Makes sense. When someone says that to me, I instantly get defensive.

Right. It shuts down the conversation. It's better to approach it with curiosity, try to understand their side.

So, create a space for respectful dialogue.

Exactly. He even says, admit your own mistakes quickly. It might seem counterintuitive, but it builds trust.

Like that businessman who resolved a conflict by admitting he messed up, appealed to the customer's sense of fair play.

See? Taking responsibility can defuse a tense situation.

Okay, this next principle, it's a tough one, especially in today's world. Begin in a friendly way.

It's so easy to forget when you're in the heat of the moment.

Right. But starting with a friendly demeanor, it sets the tone.

It makes people more receptive. Like, remember that story about John D. Rockefeller Jr., how he won over those striking miners?

Oh yeah, that was a good one.

He could have been confrontational, but instead he focused on connecting, finding common ground.

He went into the mines, talked to the workers, listened to their grievances.

And it made all the difference. It disarmed them, built trust.

It's like that saying, you catch more flies with honey.

Exactly. Kindness and empathy, often more effective than force.

Okay, this one sounds a bit manipulative, but I'm curious. Get the other person saying yes, yes, immediately.

It does sound a bit like a sales tactic, but it's more about finding common ground. When you get someone to agree with you on smaller points, it's easier to persuade them on the bigger issue.

Like building momentum.

Exactly. Remember that story about the bank teller winning over a new customer? Started with questions that got yes responses, built rapport.

Subtle, but effective.

You can use it in all kinds of situations. Business, personal, it's about finding those points of agreement.

Laying the groundwork.

Right. Okay, this one's tough, especially for those of us who like to talk. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Ooh, yeah, this one's a challenge. It's so tempting to just take over the conversation.

But Carnegie says most people love to talk about themselves. True. So, by encouraging them, you not only learn about them, but you make them feel valued.

That story about the salesman who lost his voice before a big presentation.

Oh, yeah, that's a classic.

He ended up just letting the client talk, and the client basically sold themselves on the product.

Sometimes the best persuasion is letting them convince themselves.

It's true. And when you listen, you learn.

Exactly. Every interaction can be a learning opportunity.

This next one builds on that. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

People are more invested in ideas they feel ownership of.

Makes sense. We're more likely to embrace something if we think it, was our idea.

Exactly. So instead of forcing your ideas, guide them to discover it for themselves.

Like that story about the manufacturer getting feedback on his new x-ray equipment.

He didn't just ask. He invited doctors to inspect it, appealed to their expertise.

So smart. They felt like collaborators, not just passive recipients.

It's about subtly influencing their perception.

This applies to so much. Managing employees, raising kids, even personal relationships.

It's about recognizing that people are more receptive when they feel involved.

Okay. This one is crucial for, well, just being a decent human being. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

This is all about empathy. Stepping outside our own limited perspective.

Challenging our assumptions.

Remember the story about Carnegie trying to stop those kids from starting fires in the park?

Oh, yeah. He was so frustrated.

He started by scolding them, threatening them.

Which, of course, just made them more defiant.

It wasn't until he tried to understand why they were doing it that he found a solution.

He realized they weren't being malicious. They were just kids enjoying a little adventure.

By understanding their perspective, he turned a conflict into a learning opportunity.

A little empathy can go a long way.

It can bridge those divides. Okay. Ready for a principle that builds on that empathy.

Hit me with it.

Be sympathetic to the other person's ideas and desires.

Okay. So, it's not just seeing their point of view. It's about validating their feelings.

Exactly. Even if you don't agree, acknowledge their feelings. Like that story about the music teacher who wanted her student to cut her long fingernails.

Oh, right. The student was really attached to her nails.

Instead of demanding, the teacher expressed empathy, acknowledged it would be a sacrifice.

And the student ended up cutting her nails on her own.

It's about understanding that everyone has their own struggles and motivations and responding with kindness.

Carnegie is really laying out a blueprint for positive human interaction.

He is. It's not about manipulation. It's about genuine connection, respect, understanding.

Okay. Let's keep going. What else does Carnegie have for us?

This one taps into a deeper motivation. Appeal to the nobler motives.

What does that mean?

It means people are often driven by more than just self-interest. Okay. They want to feel like they're doing good, contributing to something bigger.

I could see that.

Like that story about Rockefeller Jr., how he got those photographers to stop taking pictures of his kids.

Oh, right. He didn't threaten them. He appealed to their compassion.

He reminded them that they were fathers, too, wouldn't want their own kids' privacy invaded.

It worked. Appealing to their better nature.

Sometimes. That's all it takes.

Okay, on to principle 11. Dramatize your ideas.

This one's fun. Carnegie said, just stating facts, it's not always enough.

Gotta make it memorable.

Exactly. You gotta capture their imagination, their emotions, like that salesman who wanted to sell his cold cream. What'd he do?

He dumped 32 jars of competing brands on the client's desk.

Wow, that's a statement.

Right. A visual demonstration of all the overwhelming choices.

So, use showmanship.

You can dramatize your ideas in so many ways. Metaphors, stories, even humor.

Make it stick.

And finally, a principle that speaks to our desire to grow. Throw down a challenge.

I like this one a little competition.

Carnegie believed people are at their best when challenged.

Makes sense.

Present them with a challenge that excites them, inspires them to rise to the occasion.

Like that story about Charles Schwab, using a piece of chalk to motivate his workers.

Simple, but effective. He challenged them to beat the previous day's output.

Little things can make a big difference.

And think about Franklin D. Roosevelt, overcoming polio, leading a nation. That's a challenge.

Those stories remind us that challenges, they're not obstacles, they're opportunities.

Exactly. So, we've covered 12 powerful principles for persuasion.

It's amazing how relevant they still are today.

It's all about connecting with people on a human level, respecting their opinions, finding common ground.

It's not about tricks or manipulation.

Right. It's about genuine connection.

Okay. Before we move on to the last part of Carnegie's book, let's quickly recap those 12 principles.

All right. We started with avoiding arguments, remembering that relationships are more important than winning.

Right.

Respecting other people's opinions, even when we disagree, admitting our own mistakes.

Beginning with a friendly approach, finding those points of agreement, letting others talk, making them feel like their ideas matter.

Seeing things from their perspective, validating their feelings.

And appealing to their nobler motives, dramatizing our ideas, throwing down a challenge.

It's quite a toolkit for navigating human interaction.

It really is. And they all work together, creating this philosophy of respect and empathy.

They do. It's not about mastering techniques. It's about embracing those human connections that make life richer.

Okay. Are you ready for the final frontier of Carnegie's wisdom? The art of leadership.

Okay. So, we've uncovered all this amazing advice on winning friends, influencing people. But now, let's shift gears a bit, talk about leadership.

Sounds good.

What does Carnegie say about becoming a more effective leader?

All right. So, in this last section, he focuses on how to inspire and guide others, but without causing offense or resentment.

Okay.

He lays out nine principles, and they're still super relevant today.

All right. I'm ready. What's the first principle?

It starts with, begin with praise and honest appreciation.

That sounds familiar. Remember how we talked about the importance of recognizing people's efforts? This is taking that to the leadership level.

So, create a positive environment where people feel valued.

Exactly. Carnegie believed that praise, it's like fuel for growth. When you acknowledge strengths, contributions, it motivates people, inspires them to do better.

He even uses Abraham Lincoln as an example. A leader known for handling people really well.

Right. Lincoln, he was a master of diplomacy. He used praise strategically, even when dealing with generals who messed up.

Oh yeah, like with General Hooker. After that military setback, Lincoln didn't yell. He actually wrote him a letter, commended his bravery.

Then gently pointed out areas for improvement.

So smart. You deliver the criticism, but you don't make them feel bad about themselves.

It's about finding that balance, being honest but encouraging.

It makes you realize that even tough conversations can be handled with kindness and respect.

Absolutely.

Okay. So, what about those times when, well, mistakes are made? How do you address those?

Principle number two is call attention to people's mistakes, indirectly.

Hmm. So, avoid that direct criticism, the kind that makes people defensive.

Exactly. Instead of confronting them head on, guide them to see the mistake themselves.

Okay.

Ask questions, make suggestions, even share your own experiences.

So, it's about self-reflection, learning, not about like imposing your judgment.

Exactly. Like that story about the manager who helped the cashier improve her performance. He just reviewed the procedure with her after hours, made her feel comfortable.

It's all about providing guidance without making them feel bad.

Right. Carnegie, he was all about leading with humility, understanding that we're all learning and growing.

And that brings us to principle three, which is, well, this is interesting. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

It's about being vulnerable, showing that you're not perfect either.

Right. We all mess up sometimes.

And when you admit your own mistakes, it makes you more relatable, approachable.

Not like you're above everyone else.

Exactly. Remember that story about the businessman who messed up, admitted it to his boss, and the boss just said, fix it.

He didn't get mad. He just focused on solving the problem.

It's about creating a positive work environment where mistakes are seen as learning opportunities.

Okay. This is making a lot of sense. So on to principle four.

How about delegating tasks, giving directions?

Carnegie says ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Hmm.

So more collaborative, less authoritative.

Exactly. People are more likely to buy in if they feel like they're part of the process.

Right. Like if they have a say in how things are done.

When you ask questions, you invite them to contribute, to think for themselves.

It's like that saying, give a man a fish, teach a man to fish.

Exactly. Remember that story about the manager who motivated his team by asking them what they expected from him as a leader?

Oh, right. He turned it around, made them think about their role in the team's success.

And it worked. It's about empowering them, not just bossing them around.

This is really resonating with me. Leading with empathy, understanding.

It's a powerful approach.

Okay, what's next?

This one is important for maintaining a positive environment. Let the other person save face.

Okay, so even when someone messes up, don't humiliate them.

Exactly. Everyone makes mistakes, but no one likes to be publicly shamed. Find a way to address the issue while preserving their dignity.

It's about recognizing that everyone wants to feel competent, capable.

Like that story about the teacher who helped the student who was afraid of public speaking. She focused on his strengths, his effort.

Encouraged him, even though he was struggling.

It's about being supportive, even when things go wrong.

Okay. This next principle, I think, is crucial for any kind of growth. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.

Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

This is all about the power of positive reinforcement.

Right. Celebrate those little whims along the way.

When you acknowledge those small steps forward, it keeps people motivated.

Like that story about the young writer who was about to give up, and then a little bit of praise from an editor and he was back on track.

Our words have so much power. Use them to encourage, to inspire.

It's easy to forget that sometime. Okay, on to principle seven. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

This is about setting high expectations, but in a positive way.

You believe in them and you let them know that.

Exactly. When you show faith in someone, they're more likely to rise to the occasion.

Like that story about the teacher who told the disruptive student that she saw leadership potential in him.

And he completely turned his behavior around.

It's amazing how our words can shape people's perceptions of themselves.

They really can. All right, principle eight. Use encouragement.

Make the fault seem easy to correct.

So, it's about framing challenges in a way that inspires hope.

Exactly. When a mistake seems huge, people are more likely to give up. But if it seems manageable, they're more likely to try and fix it.

Like that dance instructor who told the student he had a natural sense of rhythm. That little compliment gave him the confidence to keep practicing.

It's about focusing on the possibility of improvement.

And finally, principle nine. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

This is all about finding those win-win situations.

Where everyone feels good about the outcome.

Right. Frame your requests in a way that appeals to their interests, their desires.

Like that parent who turned chores into a game for his kid with rewards and everything.

A little creativity can go a long way.

So that's it. Nine principles for effective leadership.

It's amazing how much wisdom is packed into this book.

It really is. This deep dive into how to win friends and influence people, it's been eye-opening.

Me too.

What's the biggest takeaway for you?

I think it's that emphasis on empathy. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes, seeing the world from their perspective.

Absolutely. It's not about manipulating people. It's about genuine connection, respect, understanding.

It's a message we could all use a little more of in every aspect of our lives.

So, as we wrap up, what's one thing you hope our listeners take away from this deep dive?

I hope they remember that even small acts of kindness, appreciation, empathy, they can make a real difference in our relationships, in our communities, even in the world.

Beautifully said. I hope they're inspired to put Carnegie's principles into practice.

Me too. See how it transforms their interactions, their relationships?

It's all about the power of positive human connection.

Exactly.

Well, thanks for joining me on this journey into Dale Carnegie's timeless wisdom. Until next time, keep those connections strong. Keep those conversations flowing.

We hope you're leaving with fresh insights and a spark of inspiration. Remember to subscribe, leave a review and check back for more episodes as we dive into new worlds of thought one book at a time. Until then, keep your mind set in stone and your curiosity open.

This has been a Big L Riz Media Podcast, where big ideas meet lasting impressions.