Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before by Julie Smith

Life can be overwhelming, and sometimes, the advice we need most is hidden in plain sight. In Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, psychologist Dr. Julie Smith shares practical tools to navigate emotions, build resilience, and take control of mental well-being.

Join Dave and Poppy as they break down the key insights from this empowering book, exploring actionable strategies to manage anxiety, boost confidence, and cultivate a healthier mindset. 

Whether you're facing challenges or seeking personal growth, this episode offers essential wisdom for everyday life.

Tune in now and start your journey toward emotional mastery and mental clarity!

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This has been a Big L Riz Media Podcast—where big ideas meet lasting impressions.

Transcript

Welcome to Mind Set in Stone Podcasts where we dive deep into the most compelling books on the shelf. Join hosts Dave and Poppy as they uncover the stories, themes, and ideas that shape our understanding and inspire curiosity. Get ready to explore the big ideas that leave a lasting impact.

Let's get started.

Welcome to today's deep dive, We're Cracking Open, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before by Dr. Julie Smith. This book is seriously packed with advice on understanding and managing emotions. So, are you ready to get into Dr. Smith's wisdom?

One thing that really struck me is how Dr. Smith busts that myth that mood is all in your head. It's not just this mysterious thing we have zero control over. She's got this cool concept she calls the cross-sectional formulation to show all the different things that actually impact mood.

Right, like sometimes you think you're in a terrible mood, but then you drink some water and bam, you realize you were just thirsty. Dr. Smith actually uses that exact example.

Totally. Our brains are always trying to make sense of what's going on inside, and sometimes they get it totally wrong. This cross-sectional formulation is like a tool to help us see those influences more clearly.

Like imagine a pie chart where each slice is a different part of your experience, your physical sensations, thoughts, actions, past experiences, relationships, and your environment. Dr. Smith's point is all these slices are linked, so even a small change in one can mess with the others.

So, it's not just that I'm exhausted, but that lack of sleep is making me think negatively, making me snappy, and making me want to hide from my friends, which just makes my mood even worse. It's a mess.

Exactly. And it reminds me kind of Jim Carrey in the mask. Remember how that mask kicks over and controls his actions and emotions?

Our emotions can be like that super powerful and overwhelming. But Dr. Smith says the key to getting back in control is getting some distance from those emotions.

Instead of thinking, I am anxious, you could try, I'm noticing this feeling of anxiety right now. That small change in how you think about it can actually help you realize you're not your emotions, and they don't have to control you.

It's about making space to just observe, not become the emotion, kind of like those mindfulness exercises, building mental muscle, you know. Just like going to the gym makes your body stronger, mindfulness helps you train your mind to be more aware of your emotions, thoughts, and what your body's feeling, all without judging yourself. Have you ever tried that classic mindfulness thing where you just focus on your breath like?

Really notice how your chest moves as you breathe in and out?

Yeah, it's wild how something so simple can make you feel calm and clear-headed. Speaking of simple but powerful, Dr. Smith loves gratitude. She even suggests this easy exercise.

Just write down three things you're grateful for every day, no matter how small.

Yeah, it might sound kind of cheesy, but there's actual science behind it. When you focus on being grateful, you rewire your brain to look for the good, which makes it way easier to deal with all those tough emotions that life throws at you.

It's like training your brain to see the positive, even when things are rough. And speaking of rough, Dr. Smith doesn't sugar coat those coping mechanisms we all run to when we're feeling down.

Yeah.

Like binge watching TV, scrolling through social media forever, that extra slice of cake.

Yeah. Those quick fixes that promise relief, but usually just make things worse in the long run. Dr. Smith really emphasizes how important it is to pay attention to the long-term impact of those choices.

Sure, they might distract you for a bit, but they often end up making those negative feelings you're trying to avoid even stronger.

It's like using a band aid on a broken leg. It might look a little better for a second, but it's not fixing the real problem. And speaking of things that hold us back, Dr. Smith really dives into those thought traps that can mess up our mood.

You know, those ways of thinking that make us see things in the distorted way and keep us stuck in negativity.

Ever find yourself spiraling because someone didn't text you back right away. You start jumping to conclusions thinking they're mad at you, ignoring you, or planning your doom. That's a classic thought trap called mind reading, and it's a recipe for disaster in relationships.

Oh, we've all been there. So how do we escape those thought traps? How do we get our brains to stop spinning those worst-case scenarios?

Dr. Smith has some good advice about that, right?

She does. One of the most powerful tools she gives is this super simple question, what would I do if I was at my best? It's about moving your focus from the problem to the solution, from feeling powerless to taking back your control.

I love that question. It's like this little nudge to step into a stronger version of ourselves, even when we're feeling unsure or scared. And that whole idea of acting from our best selves connects perfectly with Dr. Smith's focus on making sure our actions match our values.

For sure. Even if you don't feel like it, taking even one small step towards your values, like going for a walk when you'd rather stay curled up on the couch, or choosing a healthy meal when all you want is junk food, that can start a chain reaction of positive change. It's about showing up for yourself, even when it's hard.

It's like all those small, seemingly insignificant choices we make every day actually have a huge impact. It's like we're casting votes for the person we want to become.

Exactly. And Dr. Smith reminds us that even those tiny, positive actions, especially when they line up with our values, can really affect our mood. It's not about making big overnight changes, but more about those small, consistent changes that add up over time.

It's easy to get stuck in that all or nothing thinking, like we need to completely change our lives to feel better. But sometimes it's those small, doable changes that make the biggest difference in the long run.

You got it. And you know, that connects to self-compassion, which Dr. Smith talks about a lot in the book. We're often so hard on ourselves, especially when we're struggling.

Imagine treating yourself with the same kindness you'd give a good friend going through a rough time. That's the power of self-compassion.

So true. Would you ever yell at a friend for feeling anxious or having a bad day? Probably not, but we do to ourselves all the time.

Exactly. It's about recognizing that we all deserve compassion, especially when we're struggling. And that leads us to what Dr. Smith calls the basics, those fundamental things that are crucial for good mental health.

Right. She's talking about sleep, food, exercise, having a routine, and nurturing relationships. These seem obvious, but they're the first to go when life gets crazy.

And when you ignore those basic needs, it's like pulling the foundation out from under a building that's still being built. It's about building a strong base for mental and emotional well-being, so you can build a life that feels good and steady.

It's like setting yourself up for success. So, we've covered a lot, from the surprising things that affect our mood, to the power of small, values-driven actions. But how do you stay motivated when those inevitable motivation slumps hit?

Dr. Smith's got some cool motivation hacks for that, right?

Oh yeah, she does. One of the most interesting ones is acting opposite to urges. It sounds weird, but it's all about interrupting those automatic negative thought patterns and behaviors with deliberate action.

So instead of giving in to the urge to isolate yourself when you're down, you might push yourself to call a friend or do something social, even if it feels completely wrong in the moment.

Exactly. It's about breaking those negative loops by doing something positive, even if it feels tough at first. And as you start to feel the good effects of those actions, it strengthens that new healthier pattern.

It's like you're building momentum. Another thing Dr. Smith talks about is the importance of celebrating those small wins. It's easy to get so caught up in what we haven't done yet, that we forget to appreciate how far we've come.

Totally. But when you acknowledge and celebrate those small wins, no matter how tiny they might seem, your brain releases dopamine, which boosts motivation and keeps you moving forward.

It's like giving yourself little high fives along the way. And this all ties into building sustainable habits. Dr. Smith is clear that lasting change doesn't usually happen overnight.

For sure. She even gives some great tips for navigating those times when motivation dips. One of my favorites is to reconnect with your why.

Why is this goal important to you? What are the long-term benefits you're working toward?

It's about reminding yourself of the big picture, especially when day-to-day stuff or setbacks make you want to give up. Now, those big life changes can make you feel lost or unsure where to even start. I thought Dr. Smith's insights on navigating those were so helpful.

One of the tools she talks about is metacognition. Have you heard of that?

Yeah, it's like thinking about thinking, right? Taking a step back to notice your own thought processes and how they're affecting your emotions and what you do. One of the best ways to develop metacognition is journaling.

Journaling is seriously powerful. Just taking the time to write down your thoughts and feelings helps you process them more objectively, and you get a better understanding of those patterns that might be holding you back.

Yeah, it's like holding a mirror up to your own mind. You become more aware of those automatic thoughts and reactions that might be holding you back. And from that place of self-awareness, you can start to make intentional changes that match your values and goals.

It's empowering. Now, I want to talk about something that really resonated with me. Dr. Smith's focus on making friends with your feelings.

I love that perspective because you always hear about positive vibes only, but Dr. Smith gets that all emotions are valid, even the not so fun ones.

What's refreshing is her emphasis on realizing that emotions, even those we usually label negative, have a purpose. They give us important information about our needs and experiences.

Instead of pushing away those uncomfortable feelings, which often just makes them stronger, she says we should listen to what they're trying to tell us. It's about having a healthier, more accepting relationship with all of our emotions.

Exactly. One of the things Dr. Smith suggests for navigating our emotional world is expanding our emotional vocabulary. We get stuck using those same few words, happy, sad, angry, stressed, but our emotional experiences are way more complex than that, right?

It's like trying to paint a masterpiece using only four colors. Expanding your emotional vocabulary helps you be more precise and understanding. Dr. Smith even talks about the difference between feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, or discouraged, instead of just labeling it all as stressed.

It's like fine-tuning your emotional radar, and that can help you find more effective coping skills. It's like having a bigger toolbox for when those tough emotions hit.

It's about really understanding your experience, and then dealing with it in a way that's good for you. And speaking of support, Dr. Smith gives some really insightful advice on dealing with those times when emotions feel really intense or overwhelming. She calls it self-soothing.

Self-soothing is all about learning to comfort and care for yourself when you need it most. And she's got a bunch of techniques, like taking a warm bath, listening to music, doing some gentle exercise.

It's about finding what works for you, creating your own little tool kit for navigating those tough emotional moments.

And remembering that it's totally okay to ask for help. Dr. Smith dedicates a whole chapter to supporting others, and she has some great insights on how to be there for our loved ones when they're having a hard time.

I'm so glad she talks about this. It's easy to feel lost when someone we care about is struggling with their mental health, but one of the most powerful things she emphasizes is just listening with compassion.

It's true. Just being there for someone and letting them know they're not alone is huge.

And she encourages us to set healthy boundaries, remembering that we can't pour from an empty cup.

Self-care isn't selfish, especially when you're trying to support others. Taking care of yourself means you can show up more authentically for the people you love.

It's about building that support system for ourselves and those we care about.

And speaking of support, Dr. Smith offers some great insights on dealing with grief and loss, realizing that everyone goes through it at some point.

It's a tough one, and I think often misunderstood. We think of grief as this linear thing with stages, but Dr. Smith points out it's rarely that neat and tidy.

Exactly. It's more like a wave ebbing and flowing with moments of intense pain and moments of calm. Trying to rush it or push away the pain often just makes it harder to heal.

She emphasizes letting ourselves feel those emotions without judgment and prioritizing self-care and getting support when we need it.

It's about respecting our own grieving process and recognizing that there's no right or wrong way to do it. Healing takes time.

It really does. Speaking of tough stuff, Dr. Smith also talks about dealing with criticism, which I think we can all relate to.

It's unavoidable. Everyone deals with criticism, whether it's from our bosses, families, or that inner critic that seems to know all our insecurities. Dr. Smith has some good strategies for dealing with those critical voices, both inside and out.

One thing she emphasizes is knowing the difference between guilt and shame. Can you talk more about that?

Definitely. Guilt is feeling bad about something specific you did. I messed up.

It can actually be a good thing, making you want to fix things or do better. Shame, on the other hand, is that feeling of being inherently flawed or worthless. I'm a mess.

It can be really destructive, often leading to self-sabotage or avoidance.

So, guilt says, I messed up, but shame says, I am a mess. That's a really important distinction that changes how we respond.

Exactly. Dr. Smith gives some helpful strategies for being kinder to ourselves and challenging those shame-based thoughts. She suggests asking, would I talk to a friend this way?

If the answer is no, you're being too hard on yourself.

It's about treating yourself with the same compassion you'd show someone you love.

And remembering that everyone messes up. It's part of being human. The important thing is to learn from those mistakes and move on with self-compassion.

It's all about building resilience. Speaking of resilience, Dr. Smith also has valuable stuff on building confidence. She talks about this helpful tool called the learning model.

Have you heard of it?

Yeah, it's like a way to picture expanding your comfort zone. It reminds you that confidence is built gradually by stepping outside of that zone, starting small and working your way up.

And she emphasizes looking at failure as a chance to learn. She even shares a story about reframing her own pre-exam anxiety. Instead of seeing her nerves as a weakness, she decided to look at them as excitement for the opportunity to share her research.

Such a good example of how powerful our thoughts are. By choosing to focus on the positive, she was able to handle her anxiety and do her best. It reminds us we have a choice in how we interpret our experiences.

It's about realizing we have the power to choose our thoughts, and that influences how we feel. And that idea of choice and personal power ties in perfectly with Dr. Smith's emphasis on finding meaning and purpose.

Something so many people struggle with, right? We often look for meaning in external things, achievements, possessions, when it really comes from within, from aligning our lives with what we value most.

Dr. Smith encourages us to figure out our values and find those activities and pursuits that light us up. She reminds us that meaning and purpose aren't about reaching some big destination, but about finding it in the journey itself. Those everyday moments when we're living in line with what really matters.

Love that. It's about finding joy and fulfillment right now, instead of constantly chasing some future version of ourselves or our lives.

Exactly. And speaking of those small moments, Dr. Smith doesn't shy away from addressing the importance of managing those everyday stressors that can chip away at our well-being.

Oh, it's so easy to let those little things pile up until you feel completely overwhelmed. But Dr. Smith has some practical tips for managing stress before it gets out of control.

One thing she talks about is reframing how we see stress. Instead of seeing it as the enemy, she wants us to see it as something positive, something that can actually help us perform better and improve our lives.

Exactly. And she points out that how we think about stress actually affects how our bodies and minds respond to it.

It's like that saying, whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. What we believe about stress can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we believe stress is bad for us, our bodies are more likely to react with those feelings of overwhelm and anxiety.

But if we can shift our perspective and see stress as a helpful signal that gets us ready for a challenge, our bodies are more likely to react with excitement, energy, and focus.

It's like the difference between feeling pumped before a game versus feeling frozen by fear. And Dr. Smith has some practical tips for changing our perspective on stress, like reframing the physical feelings we associate with it.

So instead of thinking a racing heart means you're about to fall apart, you could choose to see it as your body getting ready to meet a challenge. It's about changing the story we tell ourselves about stress.

I love that. It's about seeing those physical signs as strength and resilience, not weakness.

Absolutely. Speaking of reclaiming our power, Dr. Smith also offers a ton of techniques for calming anxiety when it feels like it's taking over. One of the simplest but most effective is the power of our breath.

It's wild how something as natural as breathing can have such a huge impact on how we feel.

It really is. But why is that? How can just changing how we breathe help with anxiety?

Our breath is directly connected to our nervous system. When we slow down and deepen our breath, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is in charge of the rest and digest response. It's like slamming the brakes on the fight or flight response that can make us spiral into anxiety.

So, when we change our breathing, we're basically telling our bodies it's safe to chill out and relax.

Exactly. Dr. Smith recommends practicing slow diaphragmatic breathing, where you focus on expanding your belly as you inhale and gently pulling it back in as you exhale. She also has this great visualization called square breathing.

Have you ever tried that one?

Yes.

Yeah.

So simple, but it really works. You just picture a square and imagine tracing each side as you breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, breathe out for four and hold again for four.

Like a mini meditation, you can do anywhere, anytime to reset your system and feel calmer. In a stressful meeting, on a crowded train, even before a big presentation, like a secret weapon against anxiety.

I love that. We've talked about breathing techniques, but what about those anxious thoughts that just won't quit? How do we handle those?

Mindfulness is key here. Our minds are like old record players, stuck on repeat, playing the same anxious thoughts over and over. Mindfulness is like gently lifting the needle, letting us step back from those thoughts and see them without judgment.

It's realizing we are not our thoughts and don't have to believe everything our minds tell us.

Exactly. And Dr. Smith has some good tips for practicing mindfulness, like focusing on gratitude, doing sensory awareness exercises, or just taking a few minutes to sit quietly and notice your breath. It's about training our mind to be more present, not getting swept away by thoughts about the past or future.

It's about learning to ground ourselves in the here and now. Speaking of thoughts that can send us into a tailspin, Dr. Smith really digs into those common negative thought patterns that fuel anxiety, and she has some brilliant insights on how to challenge those thoughts and reframe our thinking. One she talks about is catastrophizing.

Oh, catastrophizing, where our minds turn into disaster experts, making up these intense anxiety-filled stories about everything that could go wrong usually based more on fear than facts.

It's like our imaginations become pros at worst-case scenarios. How do we stop our minds from going down that rabbit hole of what ifs?

Dr. Smith says to challenge those catastrophic thoughts by asking, what's the evidence for and against this thought? It's about taking a step back and seeing if those anxious thoughts are even true, rather than just accepting them

Like you're putting those catastrophic thoughts on trial and demanding proof. And often when we actually look at the evidence, we realize those worth case scenarios are super unlikely.

Like letting the air out of those anxiety balloons?

Another negative thought pattern Dr. Smith talks about is personalization, where we take everything personally and blame ourselves for stuff we can't control.

Oh, that's an easy trap to fall into. Like if a friend cancels plans last minute, we assume it's because they don't want to hang out with us. But maybe they have a good reason that has nothing to do with us.

It's so easy to let those insecurities take over. But how do we challenge those personalized thoughts and see things more clearly?

Dr. Smith says to consider other explanations. We're not the center of the universe, right? It's about not taking things so personally and realizing that other people's actions are usually about what's going on with them, not a judgment on us.

It's about remembering that other people have their own stuff going on, and their actions aren't always about us. Love that. Another pattern Dr. Smith talks about is overgeneralization, where we make huge judgments about ourselves based on just one event.

Like that time, you messed up a presentation, and suddenly you're convinced you're terrible at public speaking forever, it happens to everyone. How do we escape those overgeneralizations?

Dr. Smith says to challenge them by reminding ourselves that one single thing doesn't define us. It's about recognizing we all have good qualities and not so good qualities. And just because we might struggle in one area doesn't mean we're incapable or unworthy.

It's about being more balanced and understanding that our worth isn't based on a single experience.

It's like shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.

Exactly. It's about accepting our flaws and recognizing that mistakes aren't failures, they're chances to learn and grow.

Love that. And speaking of growth and learning, I love Dr. Smith's advice on finding meaning and purpose in life, because I think it's something we all deeply crave. What are your thoughts on that?

It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget what really matters. But Dr. Smith reminds us that a meaningful life isn't about reaching some big far-off goal. It's about finding joy and purpose right now, in the everyday, in those moments when we're living according to our values.

Exactly. It's about finding those things that light us up inside, those activities, passions, and relationships that make us feel truly alive, and weaving them into our lives, even in small ways.

It's about asking those big questions. What do I want my legacy to be? What impact do I want to make?

And then using those answers to guide our choices and actions. It's about living a life that feels real and true to ourselves.

It's about finding that sweet spot where what we love to do meets what the world needs, you know? But finding that isn't always easy, right? There are going to be tough times, times when we doubt ourselves, times when we question everything.

That's when Dr. Smith's focus on self-compassion is so important.

It's like we're giving ourselves permission to be human, to embrace those imperfections, to remember that none of us are perfect.

When you think about it, that's actually really freeing. We don't have to be perfect. We can approach life with curiosity and a sense of play, instead of being so hard on ourselves.

It's about treating ourselves and our experiences with gentleness, with a willingness to learn and grow, and with a lot of compassion for the journey, even when it's messy. Speaking of messy, Dr. Smith talks about relationships and how important our connections with others are to our well-being.

Relationships, right. They can bring us so much joy, but also so much pain. Figuring out how to make those relationships healthy and fulfilling can be a lifelong thing.

It feels like we're always learning and growing in our relationship.

Totally. Dr. Smith talks about this really interesting concept called attachment theory, which helps us understand how what happened to us in childhood affects how we relate to others as adults, especially in romantic relationships.

That's fascinating. So, you're saying that our early experiences, like with our parents or caregivers, can actually influence how we act in our romantic relationships later on.

Exactly. It's like those early experiences create a kind of blueprint in our minds for how we see ourselves, other people in the world. And that blueprint affects the kind of relationships we create as adults.

So, tell me more about these attachment styles. What are they and how do they play out in our relationships?

Well, Dr. Smith explains that there are four main attachment styles. Secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. And each one has its own pros and cons when it comes to intimacy, communication, and how we handle conflicts.

Okay, let's break those down. What does it look like to have a secure attachment style in a relationship?

People with a secure attachment style are usually comfortable with intimacy and being close to others. They trust their partners, they can talk about their needs, and they can disagree without it turning into a huge fight.

It sounds like having a secure attachment style sets you up for a healthy, balanced relationship. What about people who didn't have secure attachments as kids? Is it possible to develop a secure attachment style later in life?

Absolutely. Attachment theory isn't about labeling ourselves or putting people in boxes. It's about understanding those patterns so we can work on building more secure and satisfying relationships.

I love that. So, it's not about being stuck with whatever happened in our childhoods. We can actually recognize those patterns and choose to build healthier relationships as adults.

That's so empowering. Now, what about some practical tips for building stronger, more fulfilling relationships? Dr. Smith has so much good advice on that.

One of the most important things is being emotionally responsive. That means being present and in tune with what your partner is feeling and responding in a way that makes them feel heard, understood, and validated.

It's like creating a safe space for your partner to be themselves with you without being judged or criticized.

Exactly. And it's not about always having the right answers or fixing their problems for them. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen with empathy and be there for them.

It's about just being present with them and what they're going through, letting them feel their emotions and letting them know they're not alone.

Exactly. And Dr. Smith also talks about how important nonverbal communication is, like those little cues that can speak louder than words, making eye contact, offering a hug, using a kind and understanding tone of voice. All those things communicate love, support, and understanding.

It's crazy how much those little things can impact how we feel in a relationship. Sometimes a hug really does say it all. Now on the topic of communication, Dr. Smith also talks about the importance of being able to talk to each other openly and honestly, which means expressing yourself authentically, but also really listening with an open mind and heart.

It's about making a space for real, honest conversations, where both people feel safe sharing what they think and feel without being judged or shut down.

It's about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with each other, being authentic, and creating that space for intimacy and connection.

Exactly. And it's about being willing to compromise and find solutions that work for both of you. Relationships are a two-way street.

It's important to work together and respect each other.

Absolutely. It's not about one person always getting their way, but finding solutions that feel good for everyone involved. Okay, let's talk about how to navigate conflict.

Because let's be real. Disagreements are going to happen in any relationship. It's not about avoiding conflict completely, but about learning how to handle those disagreements in a way that's healthy and actually helps the relationship.

You got it. Dr. Smith has some really good tips on dealing with conflict effectively. One of my favorites is using I statements to talk about your needs and feelings without blaming the other person.

So instead of saying, you always do this, you could say, I feel hurt and disrespected when you're late for our plans.

Right. It's about taking responsibility for your own experience and talking about your needs in a way that helps them understand instead of making them defensive.

They're paying attention to our tone of voice and body language is so important. Even if we're saying the right words, our tone and body language can send a completely different message.

It's about making sure our actions match our words. We want to communicate that we're on the same team, even when we disagree.

Totally. And Dr. Smith really emphasizes the power of active listening when it comes to resolving conflict.

It's about really listening to understand our partner's perspective, even if we don't agree with it. It's about putting ourselves in their shoes and trying to see things from their side.

And it's about validating their feelings, even if we don't necessarily agree with their point of view.

It's about creating space for empathy and understanding, which can be so healing when you're disagreeing.

It's so easy to get caught up in our own point of view, but taking that time to truly listen to our partner can make a huge difference in resolving conflict peacefully and respectfully. Now, I know Dr. Smith doesn't shy away from talking about some of the tougher parts of relationships. She even talks about infidelity.

It's one of the most difficult and painful things to go through, and Dr. Smith emphasizes that there's no right way to heal from infidelity. It takes time, patience, and a commitment to rebuilding trust, whether a couple decides to stay together or not.

It's about acknowledging the pain that was caused and making a safe space for both people to work through their emotions and begin to heal.

And forgiving each other takes time. It's a process. It's okay to take our time and heal at our own pace.

Definitely. There's no right or wrong way to heal from that kind of betrayal. It's a personal journey.

Now, another challenge Dr. Smith addresses is how communication breakdowns can affect relationships. It's so easy to fall into those patterns where we're not really listening to each other, or we just stop talking altogether, especially when we're hurt, angry, or resentful.

It's like we build walls between each other and end up pushing away the person we need most.

Exactly. It can be so tempting to shut down and withdraw to protect ourselves. But like Dr. Smith says, that just creates more distance.

So how do we break those cycles of silence and create opportunities for real, open and honest communication?

It's about finding the courage to reach out again, to talk about our needs and feelings in a way that brings us closer, not further apart.

Having those tough conversations can be so hard. Dr. Smith has some really useful advice on how to have those conversations in a way that feels safe and productive.

One thing she talks about is how important it is to choose the right time and place. It's about finding a time when you're both calm and able to really focus on the conversation without distractions.

So probably not right before bed when everyone's exhausted or first thing in the morning when you're rushing out the door.

Right. It's about being intentional and creating a space for a conversation that matters and creating a safe and comfortable environment, maybe lighting a candle, putting on some music, finding a spot where you both feel relaxed. It's about setting the stage for a conversation that's both productive and heartfelt.

I love that. Those little details can really change the tone of a conversation.

And Dr. Smith also talks about the importance of starting the conversation with a good intention.

It's about going into it, wanting to understand your partner, and find solutions that work for both of you, not about trying to win an argument.

Exactly. It's about being on the same team even when you disagree, and remembering to use those I statements to talk about your own needs and feelings without blaming your partner.

It's about taking ownership of our own experience and expressing our needs in a way that helps the other person understand, not get defensive.

And, again, being mindful of our tone and body language, we could be saying all the right things, but our tone and body language could be saying something totally different.

We got to make sure our actions line up with our words. Even in a tough conversation, we want to show that we're in this together.

You're right. And of course, it all comes back to that basic skill of active listening, really trying to hear and understand your partner's point of view, even when you don't agree with it. It's about imagining yourself in their situation and seeing things through their eyes

It's about making space for empathy and understanding, which can be so powerful when you're trying to work through a disagreement.

It's not always easy to have those tough conversations with people we love, but Dr. Smith's advice is a good reminder that we can approach them with compassion, understanding, and a willingness to find common ground.

And speaking of compassion, I want to go back to something Dr. Smith talks about a lot, the importance of being kind to ourselves, especially when our relationships are challenging.

It's so easy to beat ourselves up, to blame ourselves when things go wrong, but Dr. Smith reminds us that we're all human, we all make mistakes, and we all deserve compassion from ourselves most of all.

She says we should talk to ourselves the way we would talk to a good friend who's struggling.

Exactly. We need to acknowledge that we're doing the best we can with what we know right now, and be kind to ourselves when we mess up.

It's about quieting that inner critic, and choosing to be kind and supportive instead.

And self-compassion isn't just about how we talk to ourselves, it's also about how we treat ourselves. Dr. Smith has some really helpful exercises for cultivating self-compassion, like writing a kind letter to yourself, meditating, and making time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul.

It's about making choices that support our well-being, and remind ourselves that we're worthy of love and care.

For sure. And speaking of care, Dr. Smith also talks about taking care of our finances, because, let's face it, money can be a huge source of stress and anxiety.

It can be totally overwhelming. But Dr. Smith breaks it down into manageable steps, and offers really practical advice on building a healthier relationship with money.

One of the first things she talks about is creating a budget, keeping track of what you earn and spend, seeing where you can cut back, and setting realistic money goals.

It's about taking charge of your money instead of letting your money be in charge of you.

Exactly, and she also talks about how important saving for the future is, even if it's just a little bit each month. Just consistently setting money aside can make you feel more secure and give you some peace of mind.

It's about having that safety net, that cushion to help us when things get tough.

And Dr. Smith also encourages us to be mindful of how we spend money. It's so easy to buy things on impulse or overspend, especially when we're stressed or emotional. So, she reminds us to be aware of those triggers, and find healthier ways to deal with stress besides spending money.

It's about being aware of those patterns and finding healthier coping mechanisms that support our well-being overall, including our finances.

Absolutely. And she reminds us that we don't have to do this alone. If you're struggling with money, there are people who can help financial advisors, debt counselors, even online tools and resources.

It's okay to ask for help, but it doesn't mean we failed. Now, on the topic of challenges we face, Dr. Smith also talks about aging, which can be a touchy subject.

It is interesting how our society tends to see aging as a bad thing, something to be scared of when really, it's just a natural part of life.

Getting older is a gift.

Exactly. Dr. Smith encourages us to age gracefully and find joy and meaning in getting older. She talks about the importance of staying active, keeping our bodies moving, whether it's through exercise, a new hobby, or just being more active in our daily lives.

And it's not just about physical health, right?

Yeah.

Staying active is good for our minds and emotions too. It's about staying engaged with life and keeping those connections that bring us joy and purpose.

And speaking of staying engaged, Dr. Smith also talks about how important it is to keep learning and growing throughout our lives. Whether it's taking classes, reading, or trying new things, keeping our minds active is crucial for our brains. It helps us stay sharp as we age.

It's about taking advantage of opportunities to grow no matter how old we are.

And that connects with her emphasis on cultivating meaningful relationships, right? As we get older, our social circles might get smaller. So, it's even more important to nurture those connections that matter.

Spending time with loved ones, staying in touch with friends and family, and even looking for ways to meet new people.

Absolutely. We all need connection no matter our age. And I think it's great that Dr. Smith ends the book talking about that, the importance of connection, both with ourselves and with others.

Because at the end of the day, those connections, the ones that make us feel supported and give our lives meaning, are what really matter. And it all goes back to that idea of self-compassion. Because when we can treat ourselves with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness, it becomes easier to show that same compassion to everyone else.

It's like a ripple effect, right? When we cultivate self-love and acceptance, it spreads outward, affecting our relationships, our communities, and eventually the world.

So, before we wrap up, I want to touch on one more thing that relates to Dr. Smith's message. The power of words. She talked a lot about how the language we use, both in our heads and out loud, can really shape our experiences.

It's amazing how much power our words have over our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Dr. Smith wants us to expand our emotional vocabulary. Instead of using those same old words to describe how we feel, she wants us to really explore our feelings and find more accurate words to describe them.

It's like having a more nuanced way of understanding and talking about our emotions. Instead of just saying, I'm stressed, we can say, I'm feeling overwhelmed, or I'm feeling anxious, or I'm feeling frustrated. Being specific helps us understand ourselves better and communicate more clearly.

Exactly. It's like fine-tuning our emotional awareness, and that can be really powerful. Dr. Smith also talks about how important it is to use language that promotes self-compassion.

It's about being kind to ourselves, not putting ourselves down or being overly critical. Think about it. Would you talk to a good friend the way you talk to yourself sometimes?

Probably not. So why not treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would show someone we love? We should be our own best friends, our own biggest supporters.

And you know that self-compassion then becomes the foundation for building healthier, more loving relationships of other people. You can't pour from an empty cup, right? When we fill our own cup with self-compassion, we have more love and kindness to give to others.

Love that. Self-care isn't selfish, it's essential. When we take care of ourselves, we can show up better for the people we care about.

And speaking of showing up for others, Dr. Smith also gives us some great advice on how to support loved ones who are struggling with their mental health, which can be really tough. We want to help, but it's easy to feel lost or unsure of what to say or do.

It's something that makes a lot of people feel helpless, scared, and unsure. But Dr. Smith reminds us that sometimes, the best thing we can do is just listen with compassion, create a space where they feel safe and accepted so they can share without feeling ashamed or judged.

It's about being there with them, listening without judgment, and letting them know they're not alone. And it's not about fixing their problems or giving advice. Sometimes the best thing we can do is validate their feelings and just be there.

Exactly. Dr. Smith also talks about how important it is to educate ourselves about mental health. That way we can better understand what our loved ones are going through.

There's so much information out there. Books, articles, websites, support groups, that can help us support the people we care about.

It's about taking that step to learn and understand so we can be better, more compassionate friends and family members. Now, before we wrap up, I want to go back to Dr. Smith's advice on managing our time, because I think that's something we all struggle with.

It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life, to feel like we're always on the go and let our to-do lists run our lives. Dr. Smith reminds us that we actually have a choice in how we spend our time, and she encourages us to make choices that create a life that feels balanced and fulfilling.

It starts with figuring out what our values are, those core beliefs that are most important to us. Then we can make choices that match those values. That might mean saying no to things, delegating tasks, or just learning to slow down and appreciate the present moment.

And she also talks about how important it is to set boundaries. That means learning to say no to things that drain our energy or don't align with our values so we have more time and energy for the things that really matter. It's about protecting our time and energy like they're precious resources.

It's about understanding that our time and energy are valuable, and we have the right to choose how we use them. And it's okay to ask for help if we're feeling overwhelmed. A therapist, a coach, a friend, or even online resources can be a huge help if we're struggling to manage our time.

Exactly. We don't have to do it all on our own. Asking for support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Now, before we move on to our final thoughts, I want to touch on something else that often holds us back. Fear. Dr. Smith has a whole chapter about understanding fear, and she gives us some really powerful tools to face our fears and move forward with more courage and confidence.

It's easy to let fear make our decisions for us, to let it stop us from going after our dreams and living a life we truly love. But Dr. Smith reminds us that fear is a normal human emotion. It's there to protect us.

It's that instinct that helps us stay safe. But sometimes that fear response goes a little overboard and keeps us from experiencing all the good things life has to offer

Right. So, Dr. Smith gives us some tips for managing fear, like figuring out what we're really scared of, questioning those scary thoughts to see if they're really true, and then slowly exposing ourselves to the things we fear, starting small.

It's about building up our courage and resilience a little bit at a time. And Dr. Smith also reminds us to be kind to ourselves throughout this process. It's easy to beat ourselves up when we're afraid, but if we can be kind and understanding with ourselves, it's easier to face our fears.

We have to be our own cheerleaders, especially when we're dealing with fear. Now, as we're wrapping up this deep dive into Dr. Smith's amazing book, I want to come back to one of her most important messages, living a life that feels both meaningful and authentic.

It's about knowing what our core values are, making choices that match those values, and finding joy and purpose right now, instead of always chasing some future version of ourselves.

It's about connecting with what truly matters to us, the things that make us feel alive, and creating a life that reflects those values. And she reminds us that it's a journey. It's okay that it has ups and downs.

We're all works in progress, always growing and changing.

It's about letting go of the need for perfection and embracing the beauty of imperfection.

Exactly. And what I love about Dr. Smith's message is that it's not about having all the answers or becoming some perfect version of ourselves. It's about approaching life with curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to learn and grow.

It's about embracing the messy parts, the imperfections, the challenges, because that's where the real growth happens.

It really is about embracing those messy parts because they make us who we are.

Right. And when we can look at life like that with curiosity and openness, it opens up all these possibilities for those aha moments, those little bursts of insight that can totally change our perspective and push us forward.

It's about embracing those moments of growth and transformation, even when they feel like challenges or setbacks at first. So, as we wrap up this deep dive into Dr. Smith's book, I'm so curious what really stuck with you from our conversation today. Was there a particular insight or strategy you're excited to try out in your own life?

You know, what always gets me about Dr. Smith's work is that underlying message of hope. She reminds us that we're not alone in this, we all have challenges, but we all have this incredible capacity for healing growth and change within us.

It's about recognizing that we already have everything we need to build a life that feels good and fulfilling. We just have to tap into it.

And it's okay to ask for help, a therapist, a coach, a good friend, or even just books and resources that speak to you. There's so much support out there.

Absolutely. So, to our listeners, as you keep exploring Dr. Smith's book and trying out these ideas, remember to be kind to yourself, celebrate how far you've come, and never underestimate your own power to grow and change.

Well said. Until next time, keep learning, keep growing, and keep diving deep.

See you next time.

We hope you're leaving with fresh insights and a spark of inspiration. Remember to subscribe, leave a review, and check back for more episodes as we dive into new worlds of thought, one book at a time. Until then, keep your mind set in stone and your curiosity open.

This has been a Big L Riz Media Podcast, where big ideas meet lasting impressions.